Polyamory Therapist Explains Why Your Open Relationship Isn't Fixing Your Problems
- Maya Attia
- Jul 24
- 8 min read
What couples get wrong about ENM and how attachment work actually helps
Let me be blunt: if you're considering polyamory or ethical non-monogamy (ENM) to fix your relationship problems, you're probably setting yourself up for spectacular failure. And trust me, as a polyamory therapist who sees this pattern weekly, I say this with love—and a hefty dose of professional frustration.
Here's what typically happens in my office: a couple shows up, usually in crisis, telling me they're "exploring ENM" to save their relationship. One partner is often reluctant, the other is pushing hard for it, and both are convinced that adding more people to their romantic ecosystem will somehow solve the communication, intimacy, or trust issues they've been avoiding for months or years.
Spoiler alert: it doesn't work that way.
As someone who specializes in ENM therapy and genuinely believes polyamory can be a beautiful, fulfilling relationship style, I'm here to tell you why using it as relationship CPR is not only ineffective—it's often harmful. More importantly, I'll explain what actually needs to happen before you even think about opening up.
Table of Contents
The "Opening Up Will Fix Us" Myth
Let's start with the biggest lie couples tell themselves: that introducing other partners will magically solve their existing relationship problems. I've heard all the justifications:
"We need more excitement and passion"
"Maybe if I'm getting my needs met elsewhere, I won't be so demanding"
"This will force us to communicate better"
"Other people will show us what we're missing"
These reasons aren't just misguided—they're actively dangerous to your relationship's survival.
The Band-Aid Approach
Opening up your relationship to avoid dealing with core issues is like putting a Band-Aid on a severed artery. You might temporarily distract yourself from the bleeding, but the underlying wound is still there, probably getting worse.
I've worked with countless couples who thought ENM would solve their problems, only to find that those same issues—communication breakdowns, trust deficits, emotional unavailability—became amplified in devastating ways once multiple partners entered the picture.
The Scarcity Mindset Trap
Many couples approach ENM from a place of scarcity: "We're not getting enough from each other, so let's find it elsewhere." This mindset sets everyone up for failure because it assumes the problem is with what you're lacking, rather than how you're relating.
True polyamory, when it works, comes from a place of abundance—having so much love, security, and connection in your primary relationship that you have extra to share with others. Using ENM to fill gaps is like trying to water multiple gardens when your main one is already drought-stricken.
Why ENM Amplifies Existing Problems
Here's the uncomfortable truth that most polyamory resources won't tell you upfront: ethical non-monogamy doesn't just require excellent communication skills—it demands fucking exceptional ones. If you can't navigate conflict, express needs clearly, or maintain emotional intimacy with one partner, adding more people will create chaos, not healing.
Communication Issues Multiply
That thing where you and your partner can't seem to talk about money without fighting? Yeah, wait until you're trying to negotiate time, attention, and resources across multiple relationships. Those communication patterns you've developed—the defensiveness, the stonewalling, the mind-reading attempts—they don't magically disappear when you add more people to the mix.
I've seen couples who couldn't handle a simple conversation about whose turn it is to do dishes suddenly trying to navigate complex scheduling, boundary negotiations, and jealousy management across multiple partners. It's like learning to juggle by starting with flaming torches.
Trust and Security Issues Explode
If you already struggle with trust, insecurity, or abandonment fears in your current relationship, ENM will likely trigger these patterns in ways that feel overwhelming and destructive. The hypervigilance, the jealousy spirals, the catastrophic thinking—all of it gets amplified when your partner starts forming intimate connections with other people.
Emotional Intimacy Becomes Even More Elusive
Many couples pursuing ENM are actually struggling with emotional intimacy in their primary relationship. Instead of learning to be vulnerable and present with each other, they start seeking that connection elsewhere. This creates a cycle where the primary relationship becomes even more distant and disconnected.
One client described it perfectly: "We became like roommates who happened to sleep in the same bed and occasionally talked about our other relationships. We lost ourselves trying to find what we needed in other people."
What Attachment Patterns Have to Do with Everything
This is where my work gets really interesting, because attachment theory explains so much about why ENM-as-a-band-aid fails spectacularly. Your attachment style—the unconscious blueprint for how you connect with others—doesn't suddenly change when you start dating multiple people.
Anxious Attachment and ENM
If you have an anxious attachment style, you likely crave closeness but fear abandonment. You might think ENM will give you more sources of love and validation, but what often happens instead is that your anxiety multiplies across all your relationships.
You start monitoring multiple partners for signs of rejection, needing constant reassurance from several people, and creating drama across your entire relationship network. The very thing you hoped would make you feel more secure—having multiple sources of love—actually makes you feel more anxious and scattered.
Avoidant Attachment and ENM
If you lean avoidant, you might be drawn to ENM because it feels like a way to maintain independence while still having intimate connections. The problem is that avoidant patterns often involve emotional distancing, conflict avoidance, and difficulty with vulnerability.
These patterns don't magically improve when you have multiple partners—they often get worse. You might use your other relationships to avoid dealing with difficult emotions or conflicts in your primary relationship, creating even more distance where you need more connection.
The Disorganized Attachment Disaster
If your attachment style is disorganized (common in people with trauma histories), ENM can feel simultaneously appealing and terrifying. You might crave the love and connection that multiple relationships promise, while also feeling overwhelmed by the complexity and potential for rejection or abandonment.
Without addressing these underlying attachment patterns, ENM becomes another arena for playing out familiar but destructive relationship dynamics.
The Prerequisites for Healthy Polyamory
Before you even consider opening your relationship, certain foundational elements need to be solidly in place. Think of these as the prerequisites for ENM—if you don't have these, you're not ready, period.
Secure Attachment Between Primary Partners
You need to feel genuinely secure in your primary relationship before you can handle the complexities of multiple partnerships. This means:
Being able to communicate about difficult topics without losing your shit
Trusting your partner's commitment to you and your relationship
Feeling emotionally safe to be vulnerable and authentic
Having established patterns of repair when conflicts arise
Excellent Communication Skills
I'm not talking about being able to discuss what movie to watch—I mean being able to navigate complex emotional terrain with skill and compassion. This includes:
Clear expression of needs and boundaries without manipulation or guilt
Active listening that creates genuine understanding, not just waiting for your turn to talk
Conflict resolution skills that actually resolve conflicts instead of just avoiding them
Emotional regulation during difficult conversations
Individual Emotional Health
Each partner needs to be doing their own emotional work and have a solid sense of self outside the relationship. This isn't about being "perfect," but about being aware of your patterns and actively working on your growth.
Aligned Motivation for ENM
Both partners need to want ENM for positive reasons, not as an escape from relationship problems or a compromise to avoid breakup. The motivation should be something like "We have so much love to share" rather than "Maybe this will fix our problems."
How to Actually Fix Your Relationship First
If you're relating to any of this and realizing that maybe opening up isn't the magic solution you hoped for, here's what actually needs to happen:
Start with Attachment Work
Understanding your attachment patterns and how they show up in your relationship is crucial. This means exploring:
How you learned to connect (or disconnect) in early relationships
What triggers your attachment system (jealousy, conflict, distance)
How to create more security in your current relationship
Ways to communicate your attachment needs clearly
As an attachment-focused therapist, this is where I spend most of my time with couples considering ENM. We work on creating the secure base that makes everything else possible.
Develop Real Communication Skills
This isn't about having more conversations—it's about having better ones. Many couples think they communicate well because they talk a lot, but talking isn't the same as connecting.
Real communication skills include:
Learning to speak from vulnerability rather than defensiveness
Developing the ability to stay emotionally regulated during conflict
Creating space for both partners' experiences without trying to fix or change them
Building repair skills for when conversations go sideways
Address Individual Issues
Each partner needs to take responsibility for their own emotional patterns and triggers. This might mean:
Working with individual therapy on trauma, anxiety, or depression
Developing better emotional regulation skills
Learning to meet some of your own emotional needs
Building a stronger sense of self outside the relationship
Practice with Lower-Stakes Situations
Before you navigate the complexity of multiple romantic relationships, practice these skills in less intense situations. Work on communication and boundary-setting in friendships, family relationships, and other areas of your life.
When ENM Might Be Right for You
I don't want to sound like I'm completely anti-ENM—I'm not. When approached thoughtfully by people who are ready for it, ethical non-monogamy can be incredibly fulfilling. But the couples who succeed with ENM typically have certain things in common:
They're Motivated by Abundance, Not Scarcity
Successful polyamorous couples usually start from a place of having a strong, secure relationship that they want to expand, not from trying to fix what's broken.
They Have Excellent Individual Emotional Health
Each partner has done significant personal work and has good emotional regulation skills, self-awareness, and the ability to take responsibility for their own reactions.
They Communicate Like Champions
They can navigate difficult conversations with skill, stay connected during conflict, and repair quickly when things go wrong.
They're Genuinely Excited About Their Partner's Other Relationships
This isn't about tolerating your partner's other connections—it's about genuinely wanting them to experience love and joy with other people, even when it's challenging for you.
They Understand That ENM Is More Work, Not Less
Successful polyamorous people know that multiple relationships require more time, energy, and emotional bandwidth, not less. They're prepared for this reality.
Conclusion
Look, I get it. When your relationship is struggling, the idea that opening up might fix everything is seductive as hell. It feels like adding more love, more excitement, more possibility. But here's what I know from years of working with couples in crisis: the problems you're avoiding in your current relationship will follow you into every new connection you form.
ENM isn't relationship therapy, and it's definitely not a substitute for doing the hard work of creating genuine intimacy, security, and communication skills with your current partner. If anything, it's graduate-level relationship work that requires you to have mastered the basics first.
If you're considering ENM to save your relationship, please—I'm begging you—do the foundational work first. Work on your attachment patterns, develop actual communication skills, address your individual emotional health, and create genuine security in your current relationship.
And if you need help figuring out what that actually looks like, or if you want to explore whether your relationship is genuinely ready for the complexities of ENM, I'm here. As a polyamory therapist who's seen both the spectacular failures and the beautiful successes, I can help you figure out what path makes sense for your unique situation.
Schedule a consultation to explore whether your relationship is ready for the adventure of ethical non-monogamy—or if you need to do some foundational work first.
About the Author
Maya Attia, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and attachment-focused relationship therapy. She has extensive experience working with couples considering or practicing ENM and is passionate about helping people create the relationships they actually want, not just the ones they think will fix their problems. Maya regularly provides training to other therapists on ENM-affirming treatment approaches and is a member of multiple professional organizations focused on sexuality and alternative relationships.
This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute therapeutic advice. Every relationship situation is unique, and professional support may be needed to determine the best path forward.
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