You Left the Stove On Again: Emotional Regulation and Therapy for your Neurodivergent Brain
What do you do when a small reminder from your partner sends you into a full shame spiral?
Let's start with a scenario: you're going about your day and your partner mentions that you left the stove on. Or you forgot to lock the door. Just an issue of safety, no big deal, right? Except it is, because these are dangerous things that our neurodivergent brains reliably forget to do. So you're standing in the kitchen, listening to your partner remind you to lock the door or turn off the stove.
And then your RSD kicks in. You feel a rush of anxiety and dread come over you like a cold wave. You messed up, again. And it was something really important. You could have burned the house down. Someone could have walked right in. Your beloved pet could have escaped (hello, cats who can open doors). A flurry of negative thoughts rushes through your head: I'm a fuck up. I'm bad. I messed up. I can't do anything right.
As your thoughts spiral, you start getting upset. Maybe you're crying. Maybe you're shouting. Maybe you're overcorrecting with statements like "I'll never do it again," or overcompensating by setting ten reminders on your phone that go off every hour on the hour.
At some point you start feeling angry at your partner. After all, you were just trying to cook a nice meal or get shit done. You didn't intend to leave the stove on or skip the lock. Why can't your partner see that? Now it feels like you're being criticized for trying to do something nice. And the anger keeps building.
Okay, hold the phone. I hear you. I get it. It's so frustrating to be witnessed when you make a mistake like that. And the truth of the matter is that you still have to take responsibility and accountability for your actions.
You can own a mistake and stop beating yourself up over it at the same time, and the way there starts with regulating your body before you say a single word.
What's happening in your body right now
RSD stands for rejection sensitive dysphoria. It's an intense emotional reaction to feeling criticized, rejected, or like you've disappointed someone. It shows up a lot in ADHD, autistic, and AuDHD adults. The reaction is fast, it's physical, and it's way bigger than the moment that set it off.
Your partner said one sentence about the stove. Your nervous system heard: you're failing, you're a burden, they're about to leave. That cold wave of dread is your body treating a reminder like a threat.
And once you're in threat mode, the part of your brain that handles reasoning, perspective, and calm conversation goes offline. That's why the thoughts get so extreme so fast. "I forgot the stove" becomes "I can't do anything right" in about two seconds.
Why the anger shows up
The anger part confuses a lot of people, including the person feeling it. You know you made the mistake. So why are you suddenly mad at your partner?
Shame is incredibly uncomfortable to sit in. When it gets too heavy, a lot of us flip it outward because anger feels more powerful than shame. You go from "I'm bad" to "you're being unfair" pretty quickly, and it can feel like protection.
Your partner is also carrying something. They got scared. They found a lit burner or an unlocked door and pictured the same worst case you did. Their reminder probably came from that fear. Your reaction came from yours. Now you've got two scared people in a kitchen, and each one thinks the other one is the problem.
That's a cycle, and it's a really common one for couples where one or both partners are neurodivergent. The reminder triggers the shame, the shame turns into defensiveness, the defensiveness makes your partner feel unheard, and the next reminder comes out sharper. Round and round.
Why the ten reminders don't fix it
When you're in the spiral, overcorrecting can feel like taking responsibility. Promising you'll never do it again. Setting an alarm every hour. Rearranging the whole kitchen at 10pm.
The problem is that these come from panic. A promise made while you're flooded is really an attempt to make the bad feeling stop. And a system built in a panic usually collapses within a week, because it was designed to soothe shame and it doesn't actually fit how your brain works. Then you forget again, and now you've broken a promise too.
Real accountability is calmer than that. It happens after you've regulated, and it's built around your brain.
Regulate first, communicate second
Step 1: Can I do math right now?
Don't try to do anything before you feel calm. My test: if you can solve a simple algebra problem, like solving for x, you can hold a calm conversation. Math needs the reasoning part of your brain to be back online. If 2x + 4 = 10 feels impossible right now, you're not ready to talk about the stove.
If you can't do math yet, try any of the following:
Take three deep breaths, in for 4 and out for 8
Go for a 15 minute brisk walk
Scream or sing along with your favorite song
Scribble or draw with a red marker or crayon, then tear up the paper
Call a friend and vent, or send them a voice memo
There's no template. Every person I work with works differently, so if none of these fit, use whatever reliably brings you down.
Step 2: Check in with yourself
How do you feel? Is your mind still racing? Is your head still filled with negative thoughts? Can you do a simple algebra problem?
If you can do math, you can probably communicate effectively with your partner. If you can't do math yet (or something similar), go back to step 1. That's allowed. Some days it takes two rounds.
Step 3: Communicate
Congratulations, you made it to step 3. Here's what I do for my own step 3:
Describe what happened. "I finished cooking and didn't turn the stove off."
Explain what was going on for you. "I was in my head thinking about my next task and didn't finish closing out the kitchen."
Offer a solution and identify a new habit to stack. "To make sure I remember next time, I'll keep a checklist on my phone or on the fridge that I go through before I leave the kitchen: turn off stove, wash food prep dishes, put food away."
Habit stacking means attaching a new habit to something you already do every time. You always leave the kitchen when you're done cooking, so leaving the kitchen becomes the cue for the checklist. Same idea for the door: the moment you put your keys in the bowl becomes the cue to check the lock.
Notice what's missing from that script. No "I'm a terrible person." No "I'll never do it again." Just what happened, why, and what's going to help.
Step 4: Practice and integrate
These steps give you a way to manage the reaction, take accountability for your actions, and put a solution in place that works for your brain. You'll still forget things sometimes. Neurodivergent brains do that. What changes is how long the spiral lasts and how much damage it does on the way.
My ideas may not work for you. But if you're reading this, I bet you're brilliant and creative and can totally come up with a three step system that works for your brain.
If you're the partner
If you're the one who keeps finding the lit burner, a few things help a lot:
Lead with the fact, keep your tone even, and skip the "again."
Give your partner time to regulate before you expect a real conversation. If they say they need a few minutes, that's them doing step 1.
Ask what kind of reminder works for them. Some people want a gentle text. Some want a visual checklist they built themselves. Some want you to just turn it off and mention it later.
Remember the goal is safety for both of you. Their brain forgetting is different from them not caring.
The better you know each other's patterns, the easier it gets to catch the cycle before it starts.
If this sounds like you
If a small reminder can knock you into a shame spiral that takes hours to climb out of, you're far from alone. This comes up constantly in my work with neurodivergent adults, and it gets more layered when you're managing more than one relationship, which I talk about on my ethical nonmonogamy and polyamory page. The same tools apply to repair after a scene that didn't land, which you can read more about on my kink and BDSM page.
Maya Attia, LMFT, license 139693. Talk With Maya Therapy offers online therapy for adults throughout California.
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